Hide and Seek

I jogged yesterday. This might not seem like a big deal, but it is to me. I used to love to run, as a kid I ran everywhere all the time. And in a desert that was consistently 115 degrees, you have to run for the love of it. I ran and ran until I turned 12, which is when I developed breasts. By the time I was done with 6th grade I had a solid B cup and I was a skinny kid. It happened so fast, I had no idea how to handle it. My love of running now earned stares, whistles and vulgar comments. Grown men scared the hell out of me, boys my age wanted too much from me and the girls in my school all hated me. I stopped running. One afternoon I was walking to the store and a large truck pulled along side me and a man that did not speak very good english asked me how much I would charge for some company. It took me seemingly forever to figure out what the hell he was talking about, because I wouldn't stop walking and talk to him he figured it out before I did and drove off. When I got to the store I went straight into the bathroom and cried.

My mother was no help during this time, it was the early 90's and thankfully baggy clothes were in but mom didn't like this "gang banger style" so instead bought me clothes that were made primarily of spandex. Then accused me of loving the attention and why don't I stop thinking about boys and act my own age, while wearing the neon spandex she bought me. I had no one to talk to about this, I stopped running or leaving the house unless I had to, so I gained weight. It took me until my mid-twenties to realize that I hid myself with fat. But no matter how much weight I gained, my breasts were still my most prominent feature and by the time I lost my virginity at 15 I wore a D cup.

During high school my self esteem was in the toilet, and after being seen as a sex object since before I knew what sex was, I went with it. When I did say no it was only because he was a friend's boyfriend, old enough to be my father, I heard he had a STD, ect; not because I should say no to save my self respect. So here I am now, at 30 years old, with a husband that loves me and does not see me as a walking pair of tits but I'm still hiding. I am terrified. I am heavier now than I have ever been because I know that my self respect isn't much better than it used to be. The possibility of being seen as a sex object by men other than my husband scares me. I have never had to say no for my own reasons before. I am heavy now because I don't have to try to say no to a question that isn't asked. 

I should be confident in my marriage and myself to know that I can handle....blah, blah, blah. Here's the truth: I too damn old to being hiding like a pussy. I have a daughter that thanks to me and my sister in-law she will never be on the itty bitty titty commitee, I owe it to her to respect myself and be the supportive mother that I didn't have. It's not about me anymore.